LolaAnonymous

i already got tired of writing on here. i did start writing in my real diary again, though. i guess the main reason i stopped writing here was because it’s hard keeping it a secret, since i’m always always with patrick. but he makes me so god damn happy. i’ve never wanted to get married. i thought it was stupid. but i heard “Unchained Melody” on the radio, and i immediately imagined him and i dancing our first dance as a couple, with everyone at the reception watching, my parents crying. i almost cried, it made me so happy. i’m excited for our future. i love him sooo much. it’s pathetic.

fear is, at many times, completely irrational. we hold fears of things that other people don’t, and in that way, we know that that thing is most likely harmless. most fears derive from the human’s fear of the unknown. for example, a classic type of fear is fear of the dark. after the lights are turned off, you can probably remember that there is nothing alive in the room that can harm you, but once you can’t use your visual senses to reaffirm that belief, your brain gets to work at convincing you that there are demons in the dark. is it really possible that the minute you turn a light off, something starts creeping out of the shadows whose sole purpose is to harm you? and once the lights are on, it is able to, without being seen, slink back into the shadows? it’s highly unlikely, yet most people are afraid of the dark.

me, i’m only afraid of certain things if i am in the mindset to be afraid. for example, earlier tonight, a friend was upstairs, and he was banging around; at the time, i had thought he left, so i was scared out of my mind. when i found out it was just him, i was okay. but since then, every noise and creak has made me jump. just a while ago, i was scared out of my mind when i came out of the bathroom and thought i heard something whisper behind me, and chills crept down my spine. i was so scared that i ran to my boyfriend, hoping he’d make me feel better and keep me company while i calmed down. he was about to go to the bathroom to do his business, and he was very reluctant to hang out with me. i was so scared that i tried to convince him to let me sit in the shower while he took a shit. now i feel silly. but i still have to have something playing in the background, like music, to calm me. and i absolutely, 100% refuse to check on the brownies until he comes out of his “office.”

i had to get a drug test today to work at target (seasonal; i take what i can get), so as long as i pass that and the background check, i’m golden. i had to drive 20 minutes just to get to the place where they’ll take my piss. i didn’t know how professional it is. the procedure made me angry. they made me wash my hands way too many times, and they feel super dry.

how is it that washing your hands too much (hydrating them) makes them feel so dry and gross? i hate that. and i hate having lotiony hands. ahh!

so anyway, no class today, because veteran’s day is on wednesday. such a godsend. it was perfect timing. today is patrick and my 3 month “anniversary.” i never know what to call these monthly things; they’re not anniversaries, so what are they? eh, anyway, i thought it was perfect timing, but then i ended up having to do a bunch of errands, for my mom and for me. bummmmer. i wanted patrick to come with so we could be together, but i didn’t wanna make him run errands with me hahah. but the main reason i wanted him to stick with me today was so that he wouldn’t have time to get me a present. i didn’t get him anything, because i didn’t know what to get him. he seriously has everything he wants, because he doesn’t need much. if there’s anything he ever wants, he just goes and gets it right away anyway. all i got him was a cute card with a letter inside. the card was too small to say all the things i wanted to say. god i love that guy.

okay, we’re about to go to dinner and a movie. oh and shop for perfume for my mom :D haha no D:

byye!

okay, maybe that’s a little overdramatic

yesterday, i met with shannon for coffee and conversation. i could always see the situation from her point of view, but i knew she didn’t know it from mine, in respects to the whole birthday thing and such. so anyway, we met, and here’s the gist:

i was like a sister to her, and it was a really hard time for her. after her and i stopped being friends, all of her friendly relationships fell apart, and with that, she felt like part of her life was unfairly taken away. she’s a big believer that your friends are a big part of who you are, and when her friends were taken away, she was stripped, and it was unfair. her senior year was really depressing and all that. she didn’t go to prom, grad night, etc. after everything that happened, she isn’t the same person. she also mentioned that she probably won’t ever be able to look at me the same way again, making it kind of hard to be friends again. but she is happy we got a chance to talk and everything. it was good to see me apparently. and we did get a chance to play catch-up.

it was weird when i first sat down across from her. for some reason, it felt like nothing happened. like we hadn’t not seen each other for months, almost a year. that made me happy. although she says she’s not the same person, but she felt like the old Shannon i have been missing, although with a new sense of confidence. i miss her. i hope we can get past this before i leave.

we’re meeting again next week. i don’t know if it’s supposed to be a hangout session or another talking thing. we’ll seeee.

after posting the last couple photoposts, i’ve become very hesitant about this whole moving thing. i don’t want to move hundreds of miles from where i am now just to feel like i’m in the same exact place, except foggier. i’m just scared i’ll make this huge change, expecting to be somewhere totally different, and then regret going there just because i never got to be in the city i really want to be in. since patrick and i have been talking about this, i’ve been picturing myself in the city, walking around, sitting in cafés, etc. but i’m just gonna be in the same place as here, just without a car :[ i’m still going to go, but i’m gonna try to get a job in the city so i can at least go there all the time.

ahh